I kept watching the big, round, black and white wall clock. It hung on a beige painted block wall in my grade school classroom. I could see the slender needle jump slightly forward for every second that passed. The minute hand only moved when I looked away, and the hour hand definitely had to be broken. It NEVER seemed to move. Surely I would die of old age before recess ever arrived.
Suddenly recess was over and I was back to watching the clock not move as I waited for the bell that announced it was time to go home.
Finally!
Eternity passed and I had somehow managed to graduate. Through all those relentless seconds that formed years I had grown tall. I hadn’t noticed when I went from the short fat kid to the tall, not-quite-so fat kid. In my mind, I still saw myself as that fat kid. In the mirror, I was a full head taller than most of my friends. Even though it had been coming for so long, I still had no idea how I intended to spend the rest of my time.
Looking back at high school pictures, I look normal. Not skinny. Not fat. Why couldn’t I see that at the time?
She must have.
We got married shortly after high school. Again, time slowed down until the big day when we met at the small church. In a blur we were walking out the door, getting into the car. Driving off into our future.
The future arrived...
with two boys and a job that usually kept me away more than I wanted.
Some work weeks were actually 90 hours long. Every hour seemed a lot longer than it was. The time spent at home flew by. The one week vacations I waited for all year long passed in the blink of an eye.
Has it really been almost forty years since we met at that small church?
Time is still playing tricks on me. I know there is a huge kid inside of me, but I see a fat, older man in my mirror. Does he really look that fat, or is it just that little boy image in my mind reflecting back to haunt me? Years from now, if I last that long, will I look back at pictures taken during this phase of myself and think? “Oh, I wasn’t THAT fat.”
Time will tell.
Because the more things change, the more they stay the same, and time keeps ticking on.
This was written for Blogging For Fun group on Facebook. prompt:
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It is amazing how at the time how we have a certain perception of ourselves. I thought I was butt ugly in high school. Now I think I am now, but as I look back on pictures of me in high school I think now I don't look that bad. Weird how time is. Loved your blog and how it journeyed through your life with your perceptions changing but staying the same.
ReplyDeleteKathy
http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com
I was wondering if I was the only one with this perspective.
ReplyDeleteI thought the same and when I look at old pictures, I wonder why I thought that. I felt fat in my wedding dress. Now I look and think that I was too thin. It must be that "awkward stage" we all hear about...
ReplyDeleteNicely done, Lee. Sorry so far behind, but my IP service has been bad for a few days now. I'm learning to copy my comments before sending...just in case I get that dreaded "internet provider not found"... LOL
Hey Darlene. I know all about internet issues! Mines been out since the storm last weekend. I've been eating out at places that have wi-fi just so I can check email (and comments, haha!)
DeleteMaybe it's just human nature to see ourselves as less than what we wish we could be. Something generic that drives us to be better. That, or it could be advertising with achingly beautiful people that have been professionally made-up, lighted and touched up until they probably don't recognize themselves.
I love this, Lee. It's very well written and the idea of time and perception is interesting to me, as well. I never thought I was fat, except when I was, but I always have thought myself very plain and far, far from pretty or attractive. I never ever thought I was anything to write home about. Looking back at high school and my twenties and even into my thirties, I see someone familiar but better looking. Not beautiful, but nearly pretty. Now I only see my aging. I look in the mirror and see lines and creases and bags over and under my eyes BUT I also see all the years of living clearly inscribed there. I see a smile no one can erase. I see all the love I have in my life and I'm okay with being plain and far, far from pretty. So my perception of my physical self hasn't changed, but my perception of who I am certainly has. I really like me now and back then, I was never enough of anything.
ReplyDeleteWhat a thought provoking piece you have created here. Eggs~sell~ant write. ♥
Thanks Jo. When I wrote this I was thinking about all the women I have met that did not see themselves as lovely as I saw them. It's as much about them, as it was about me.
DeleteAs a fairly normal male of the species, and since this is the internet, I can easily say you are HOT! (and quite attractive)I'm glad you are starting to see in yourself what most of us men (at least the smart ones, haha!) have seen for years.
Hi Lee!! Its been a while since I read blogs and I forgot how much I enjoy reading your thoughts. This was a great piece! I have always had a hard time with self perception. I was actually told when I was younger that I was fat, I look back at those pics and wish I was "that" kind of fat again..lol I had someone tell me once that they wish that I could see myself through their eyes instead of my own. I try. I know how fast time goes, I tell young people to hold on tight, it flies! Approaching my 50th bday next week and 30 year anniversary I wonder how did I get here??? thanks for sharing your thoughts.. xoxox
ReplyDeleteDONNA!How ya doin'?
DeleteNice ta see ya here!
The big 50, eh? Congrats for making it this far, haha!
It's weird how we fall prey to our own mis-self conceptions. Maybe it's because we see ourselves in the mirror every morning and have time to pick out all the flaws.
I'm glad someone had the good sense to tell you that they wish you could see yourself as they do. What I see is an inner spirit glowing out for all to see. (well, that and those lovely brown eyes!)
Great BLOG Lee. It is something everyone relates to. My self image was not that good as a child either. Until we become creatures who are not so imprisoned by what our society deems attractive and beautiful, our children and children's children, will all live this distortion of reality and be affected by those negative emotions. Our culture is broken that way, by unrealistic visions of models and movie stars everywhere. I don't watch much TV anymore, but I remember Britney Spears being brutally criticized and made fun of by one of those celebrity shown about how out of shape she was, and how nasty she looked, and how dare she go back to work looking like that!? It was a couple of months after she had her baby, and I would die to look that good! I believe that celebrity life emotionally damaged her, as it does all teenage girls. It makes me ask the question; how can we make things better? How do we put more importance on creativity and communication, other ways of identifying beauty?
ReplyDeleteWhen I was 4, I thought frogs and turtles and insects were beautiful. Then I started school, and learned that they were not perceived as beautiful by everyone. Children come into the world with no hangups; they are taught to them.
Boy do i go off on a tangent!
c'est la vie
I love it when you go off on a tanget!
DeleteIt always gets me to thinking. I remember playing with frogs and lizards (and horned toads in Oklahoma-talk about UGLY!)
I kinda remember seeing those photos of Britney and thinking she didn't look all that bad too. I do wonder sometimes if celebrities don't create their own "issues" just to keep themselves in the public eye, the "any publicity is good publicity" kind of thinking. There were also a lot of times when I thought: why doesn't the press leave poor Britney alone? Sheesh!
Same thing with Micheal Jackson; How could anybody that grew up in the lime light like that ever be expected to grow up to be "normal"? There was nothing normal about his life.
I don't know how to put more importance on creativity and communication. It seems like art and music classes are the first to go when schools need to cut money.
I think we also need to have classes on common sense and humanity/kindness.
Okay. Now who went off on a tanget?
Oh Lee, your such a kid at heart. That will never change... That's a fine quality you have. Along with that Big Smile....
ReplyDeleteLife Goes on...
Enjoy
Nancy C
Hey Nanc!
DeleteBeing a kid comes easy for me. I don't think I ever wanted to grow up. It just came anyway. Heck, I have to work at being an adult!
I hope I can keep some of the kid in me until they strap adult diapers on me, haha!
(That may be soon!)
BTW, I've been meaning to say "thank you" to Facebook, for bringing you back into my life. I've missed your humor and the kid in you!
I haven't read one of your blogs in a long time! And you're just as good if not even better than before! *muah* You know, even though we have a lot of moments that seem to drag on, life must be a lot more fun than what we think. Because it goes by so fast! And you know only the good times go by fast!
ReplyDeleteLove,
SOUPY!
Well, where have you been???!!
DeleteGet with it.
Oh, wait. I haven't been blogging for quite some time. (Like, for about a year or so) Sorry about that.
I never thought about it like that, but you may be on to something there. Life, in general, does fly by!
Nice to see your comments again!